It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after you get it. - Zora Neal Hurston
Lately I've written a lot about Nora's desire to be near me. Really near. In a few minutes we will test this new stage. A few moms and their babies are en route. We will play outside on the grass under the shade of an umbrella. I'll lead us in silly songs and clapping antics designed to thrill even the most resistant smiler (often MY daughter). Then, with a sweet kiss placed upon her squirrel cheeks, I'll say "Bis bald, Susse" and walk away...a block away...to have a coffee and read a book.
Last time we tried this, my phone rang in about 7 minutes. Nora's screams piercing my ears...let alone those of the other moms in the same room with her. I abandoned my hour of freedom...can drove back to my snott-nosed cuddler.
We'll try again today. A three minute walk...the air filled with I hope just a gentle breeze (and not her distant screams).
**Maybe more later...posting before playdate and as Nora wakes up...and before days pass...no editing, no spellcheck....
About today's photo shoot...
Noodle has discovered the art of snuggling. She adores this white bear. Burying her face into his fur, mouthing his stiched felt snout, poking his black plastic eyes. Her face lights up each morning when he comes out of the basket and lands in her embrace.
So, it was only fitting that she snuggle with him today for our photo shoot.I
*We also spent a lovely afternoon with my cousin Cheryl and her oh-my-world-so-old daughter, Teighler. Starting high school...wow....unbelievable.
It is BIZARRE to see Nora walking. No, she's not walking alone. Not yet. But she pulls herself up on this toy and takes steps. It is fabulous and also makes me bite my lip. She's growing so fast, too fast.
This week we frolicked in our kiddie pools. The large one inflated and filled with icy hose water. The tiny one acted as our hot tub. She's just fishy as me. Logging hours and hours in the water without a single complaint. You would think all this playing and movement would make her sleepy...very very sleepy (imagine warlock fingers waving in front of her half-closed eyes). You would think, right?
Not the case. Our long-lashed firecracker is awake. Several times a night...and daytime holds only 20-30 minute naps. Combine this with her insatiable "Mom, please stay within 6 inches of me at all times" and I find my eye circles darkening a tad.
Take this moment, for instance. I looked at my phone. At 9:09 she went into her crib. It is 9:41 and she is banging her crib bars and staring at the door awaiting my rescue.
***I wrote this post above on Friday...the "proper" day for this weekly post. But inserting the pictures and the video and hitting "post" have alluded me since then. I do miss writing here or anywhere. I love the feeling of the words swirling into vibrant woven sentences and stitching across the screen with the steady tap of the keys. It is a comforting sound. A release for my mind. But somehow at night...around 9:30pm, when I've finally pumped (a scant 2 oz...yes, 3 nights to get just ONE bottle), and brushed my teeth, and found my way into my pajamas...I stare at this tiny computer longingly but shut my eyes instead.
Ya know what's funny? There are two times during the day that I can blog...unless I want to be a mean mommy and keep batting at Nora to stay away from the allure of this here shiny screen (this causes tears and drama and would make me write things like, "UGGHHH"). I can write during first nap (foregoing breakfast, yoga, house cleaning, sweeping up cat litter that gets stuck on Nora's hands, showering) or during her second nap (foregoing lunch, dishes, folding laundry, paying bills, etc). Okay, back to the "funny" part...the post above from this past Friday, I wrote that she went down at 9:09 and was up at 9:41. Today she went down at 9:00am and is just talking to herself. It's now 9:51 and I think I just have to go in there and get her. I mean how much "talking to herself" time can I give her?
Oh, but wait...what's this. Eye-rubbing. She's lying down with her cloth-diaper-booty in the air. She's very still.
Hmm...I'm going to keep trying to type and post and insert. I suppose sometimes I need just as much "myself" time as I can get. My mom, who helps me get this time, has been instrumental the past week at stepping in when my veins are starting to pop and my voice is getting tight. In the afternoons when Noodle doesn't nap and due to some shellfish or almonds, projecile vomits repeatedly on herself and me and the floor and my phone.
Noodle is clingy. I mean REALLY clingy. Like "must take her to the bathroom and sit her on my lap" and "hold while rinsing the dishes" clingy. It's sweet and maddening at the same time.
Okay. Here are some more of the week 44 shots. In two more days I'll have to find a way to post the week 45 shots. Time is zooming by.
*Daniel is dancing with her out of the shot. She thinks this is hysterical.
*And now our merry afternoon with Claire, Greg and Veronica.
Vera loved showing Nora her painted toes. Not too sure if Nora cared about the sparkly blue toes...but she adored playing with Veronica!
*Her "serious" face.
And to emphasize the cling factor. Here she is "enjoying" time with Claire and Daniel. I am ONLY 3 feet away.
But she warms up with some dad-flipping time.
The videos show off her dancing jig to a song from South Africa (on the African children's cd from Putamayo), taking steps with her new favorite toy (a stuffed soft bear), petting Maxwell, and one that shows those 4 teeth up close. Enjoy! Hope to write before 10 days passes.
Nine? Can it really be only nine weeks until Lulu turns one..goes from "baby" to "toddler"? We have a walker coming down the pike...and a little girl who wants out. All the time. She stands at the screen door and bangs against the mesh. When she sees the neighbor kids across the street, she goes crazy with screaches and breathy pants. Often I cave and bring her over to watch the boys run around.
She not only stands but lets go...seemingly unaware that she's standing alone. Yesterday she twiddled her fingers for 7 seconds before sitting down lightly on her enormous cloth-diapered bum. Her sitting becomes ever more of a whisper. Soon she'll not even sit and just bounce, with thigh rolls atop of pudgy knees, atop of sausage shins and eclair feet. She cruises along the edges of tables and my side-lying body. Her "speech" is expanding with sweet high-pitched squeaks which always mean she's talking to Max or Sophie.
*This photo is her new passion - "downward dog." There is also this video of this trick.
Max has been a true sport and is reluctantly letting her get a few pats in before scurrying away. Sophie will have none of it. She hides just under the crib...knowing that Nora will insist on crawling under the rail - only to continuously bump her head on the edge - and soon give up with a whine and a scream of frustration.
A birthday party is officially in the works. I envisioned a very small affair...us and a few family members. Besides my in-laws, no one else from out of state or out of town. Wouldn't think to even invite my own local cousins, who although I adore them, would be pained to attend a baby party. I grew up with small parties because of geography. Dinner was fabulously intimate with just my nuclear family (closest relatives were 1200 miles away) and a slice of cake on a bright red plate. So stuck in my head is the idea of the small party. This is not the case with Daniel's family. Children, particularly at 1, are celebrated with a huge family fiesta. People from out of town/state are invited...and some actually make the trip! I mean, I would have always invited my dad, brother, and best friend...but would never think of them coming down for Nora's party. It wouldn't even cross my mind that they would travel for a baby's birthday.
Nora's birthday party could end up being a joyful mix of folks from Vegas and Washington and Northern California...we will have to see. My mother-in-law shares Noodle's big day so we will always have two special ladies to celebrate on the big day.
My fingers itch to start popping out invitations. Of late, my beloved hobby is paper crafts. Invitations, cards, stamping, scrapbooking. I am going to try and send out "real" invitations. Daniel finds this a bit (or very) silly. Emailing an invite or posting an event on fb would suffice in his mind. But the invitations are more of a fun diversion than a burden to me. And upon these hypothetical invitations will be some sentiment that seems impossible to write without sounding rude. How do you communicate the notion that because of a plethora of lovely hand-me-downs and generous grandparents, you already have a tub full of clothes and mountains of toys? How do you express that the 20th pair of pants, 8th pair of shoes, or 30th plastic toy is simply too much for any little girl to possess?
Taking suggestions from all of you parents out there. How do you keep a mountain of well-intentioned "stuff" (albeit grateful for the gesture) from piling up in your home? Is there ever a way to tactfully ask for less?
Noodle murmurs quietly on the monitor as she teeters on the edge of sleep. I sit here not knowing where to begin. My heart is sad. An inspiring and passionate and beautiful woman has died. In a flash she is gone. She left this world along with her daughter, whom she carried within. She was not someone who I knew outside of school...but I consider myself fortunate to have worked with her for several years. Enjoyed lunches and humorous exchanges and her vibrant tattoos and even some of her history PowerPoints. Her death has lathered me in a mix of emotions. Utter shock at the tragedy of such a beautiful duo lost to their potential. Appreciation for the profound influence she had on hundreds of students...many of whom post on facebook how their lives have changed because of her touch, her words, her dedication. But most of all, as occasional tears fall (like now), I feel grateful. I am absolutely grateful for my life, the people I am lucky enough to love, and my health.
Yesterday, Nora was peppered with piles of kisses, extra cuddles, and jogging runs down the sidewalk. Spinning her around, whispering "Ich liebe Dich" in her ear, singing her favorite songs loudly as we walked (smiling at onlookers with quizzical eyebrows), touching rose petals and rocks, and tickling her chubby thighs. It was a day that held a tranquil sky, vibrant yellows enveloping our ripening cherry tomatoes, a gentle breeze. Noodle climbing up two stairs by herself...turning and clapping with pride and flashng "Did you see me, Mom?" face.
I stare at Nora on the screen. She sleeps soundly now. Her four little teeth that I brushed this morning, her nail talons that she won't let me clip without a fight, her fuzzy curls that swirl near her ears when she wakes, her long lashes that stretch towards the sun and hold captive drops when she cries. Even if this was all I ever had of motherhood. These sips, these morsels, these fake coughs, and hand claps would sustain my soul at rest.
But I ask for more. I implore the universe to allow me a full life of watching my child grow. In my last exchange with my friend a few weeks ago, I wished her a beautiful journey into motherhood. I still do; albeit, the journey is very different.
Could they be traveling and signing and dancing and teaching together in another realm? It is much easier to believe so.
My co-worker, my "friend" (feels better to say), knew the bond of motherhood with her unborn daughter. The two of them drew their last breaths together in what I have to believe was instant. I will celebrate her life by fiercely loving Nora even more than I thought was ever possible. Perspective and gratitude and sadness. Waves of these emotions and a respectful tip of my hat to a beautiful woman and her child.
Nora's has new tricks. Neither of which I've been able capture on film. She resists being on display.
One is her Indian bobble-head motion. Only when she's sitting in her highchair will she suddenly shake her head from side to side really fast. And shoot a four-tooth grin.
Her other is the downward dog and somersault move. This she showed off for my mom and I today...later to Daniel on the back lawn. She gets into the yoga position, checks to make sure you're watching her, smiles, and then tries to roll over. Usually, just flopping to the side and trying to do it again, and again, and again. Daniel says he showed her this the other day. I suppose she might also watch me do downward dog each morning when we play.
I enjoy her spark. Her zest. Her grin. Her protests and squeals. Small moments of pure bliss, strung together in such brilliance, that it's becoming a blur of treasured gems.
No one could have ever adequately described motherhood to me. My heart filled with a zany amount of love, nails with poop, ears with gurgles and screams, fingers gripped tightly, pant legs pulled, my voice in song, holding my daughter for another whimsical dance about spiders, or monkeys, or dragons.
Here's my little toothy girl in all her Sunday glory...on our second wedding anniversary...7/10. Basking in our antics and music...and tickles.
Noodle is reaching. And it isn't just a physical milestone but also an emotional one for me. She reaches for her crib towards the end of my "Puff the Magic Dragon" nap-time performance. She reaches for her Daddy when he comes home from work. She reaches for my mom. It is amazing that she wants places other than my body...and at the same time a wee bit sad. In the same breath, I want to keep her tethered to me and also long for freedom and an afternoon to myself. Not doing errands or cleaning while she naps.or facebooking as she starts to stir.
Sitting in some cafe, reading a book, relishing an iced-coffee. People watching. Being invisible.
Visibility is important to Nora. As her "separation anxiety" begins, it becomes ever more difficult to leave her sight without loud consequences. Books attempt to make you feel better by saying this is a healthy sign of your relationship with your baby. I suppose her waking four times a night is the same sort of "healthy" sign.
Today we opened a package from Daniel's mom. It had a beautiful purse and scarf that had belonged to his Lola Rose. Noodle adored her new treasures. And what a nice way to wish her a merry 42nd week with us. I can't believe we are 10 weeks away from parenting a toddler!
Oh, the mega-grin that her only her dad can produce!
It has been a whirlwind of adventures around here. With weekends in San Diego and up near Lake Arrowhead. Mid-week day-trips to Vegas. And playdates with cousins and family dinners and "Mommy & Me" activities.
I am sneaking in a post with the week 41 pictures before tomorrow when I want to post the week 42 pictures.
There are also some videos of Nora playing with the best toys...simple around-the-house items. Vitamin containers filled with coffee beans and paper towel tubes. Plus her speedy crawling, which, we fear is almost at an end. Walking will come soon...and this fantastic slapping of chubby knees on the floor will cease. sniff, sniff
