Panic Button

Ok, ok...the past few days I have been caught up in a frenzy about toddler feeding and nutrition.  This morning was the crest of that wave.

My panic button was pressed.

The following sentence sent me into a spin of FIRST, wanting a donut; second, fearing for Nora; third, feeling anxious.

"Your child will grow up to feel about eating the way you do.  If that gives you a little thrill of dismay and dread, you have work to do."

After leaving a frantic voicemail for Kathy, I had to step back and take a breath.  A few of them. 

• First, no driving to a donut shop. 
• Second, Nora is going to be fine. 
• Third, my anxiety is not from this mountain of a mole hill.  I feed Nora pretty well and she is a good eater...there's something else underneath at the root of all this.

Hmmmm...my stressors...

Part of it is that I am suddenly overwhelmed by the academic/professional void in my life since being out of work now for over a year. At first it was just awesome to NEVER have to go to work but t he initial euphoria of motherhood is no longer new.  I have even caught myself looking longingly at my professional teacher slacks in the closet. 

Calls and emails to pre-baby friends often (and understandably) go unanswered for a long time...I imagine that's because they are busy with their jobs.  Applying their minds and time to something outside of the domestic sphere.

I used to be important (please don't tell me I'm important to Nora...I inherently get that).  I mean that I used to be a highly-respected English teacher.  Colleagues sought out my advice on curriculum, behavior issues, methodology.  I was the mentor and coach to new teachers.  I had a strong and passionate voice at staff meetings.  Administrators praised my abilities.  I was proud of being a teacher.  Yes, I complained..but at the end of the day, I knew I was good at it.  I used big words.

Parenting is different.  Sure, on MOST days, I know that I have done a solid job parenting my daughter...but my brain still feels more and more gelatinous by the hours of grocery shopping, cleaning, dishes, laundry folding, dealing with cloth diapers, cooking meals, and the phenomenal hours of engagement and entertainment provided to Nora.  Prior to motherhood, I did not particularly enjoy cooking and cleaning...and yet, there are now hours allocated each day to these tasks.

In addition to missing my profession, we are in the first week of escrow on a house.  A gigantic step in the land of adult-financial-responsibility (more to come on this as the process moves along).

Daniel is also going to return to graduate school for the next 3-5 years to pursue his MBA...while we continue to move towards having a second baby.

A year ago, this entire list of items would have normally been discussed and vexed and mulled over with a beautiful group of friends.  Friends that have busy lives...all of whom now work outside the home.

So, would I like some cheese with my whine?  Yes, I would.  A huge chunk of sharp, blue-veined, morbier, please...and a donut on the side.

Wait, isn't that how this post started?  Coming full circle.

I ain't no therapist but looks to me like some "transference-to-food-of-anxiety-over-other-things".

• Longing for genuine friendships and time to daily talk.
• Missing my career of a decade.
• Vexing about a potential 5 years of many nights/weekends of single-parenting of perhaps two (kind and veggie-filled) children.
• Starting the process of buying a home in the midst of a major recession.

 

Huh, it's all making a lot more sense.

Because, truth be told, the advice from the book led to instant and amazing results.  Not a single screaming fest since I gave up on my tricking and pleading and shenanigans at meal time.

Here's a photo spread that tells the following story from Lulu's perspective:

  "Mom was stressed out about me eating vegetables, although, I really just wanted to eat them myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  You see, I am devouring it when it's part of the tortilla casserole that her and Daddy eat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  I even got to drink from a cup by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  I didn't quite understand how to do it...but I was having fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Well, until it splashed on my face.  I'll practice this more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  But my first "Independence Meal" ended well.  I had lots of sauce in my hair and water on my clothes...but I'm a big girl. 

Thanks, Mom, for noticing."

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Liz]

Love the picture of Nora crying when she splashed herself. I must be mean because kids crying makes me laugh.

My brain is a giant mush pile and has been moving in this direction for years. I'm going to accept it for now and work to change it as the kids grow. Right now, I am immersed in diapers and toddler/preschool stuff. Often, I am alone since my husband works nights 5 days a week. I do what I can and make the best of where I am. That's good enough for me.

It's daunting to think of being alone at night with one or more kids. You get used to it and find your rhythm.

Do you want to go get donuts together? :)

[Courtney]

All I can say honey, is that the grass is always greener. Probably not what you want to hear, but amazingly it is so true. When I worked so soon after Jonah was born I was traumatized. I cried during the day because I missed him so much and it felt so wrong to be away from him. I swore I wouldn't have any more kids until I could stay home. 11 1/2 yrs later that dream came true and Abe was born. I thought I would be so happy...no one would take care of my baby but me...and we would have so much fun together. I quickly realized that I was not cut out for the stay home mommy gig. I wanted to be good at it. I really did. But I had to admit to myself that maybe I wasn't always the best person for my son...he wasn't stupid...he knew I wasn't happy. So, I went back to work. And I love it. But I miss my kids sometimes. I miss sleeping in and being able to do whatever we want. I miss having a clean house and nutritious meals on the table. I miss being available for my family all the time. I do wish I had appreciated those 2 yrs home with Abe more though...something all mommies struggle with...staying in the moment with our kids. I love you. You are an amazing mom. Stick with it. Mushy brain will go away soon=)