There are few mornings during a typical work week that I would experience the bright warmth of the sun. On weekends, I drag myself from slumber closer to noon. During the week, I rise in the blanket of night and hurl myself towards the gym before dawn.
So, this morning at 7:30am, I asked Daniel to pull the curtains back. He left the room and I just stared at the sun. Radiant streams of light floated through the hummingbird bush and coated the green comforter. Patches captured the image of my hand against the cocoa wall and allowed for paltry attempts at shadow animals.
Dust and feathers billowed and swirled in the light (I suppose this means something about our cleaning practices; however, it was beautiful). My bones and muscles shifted within a massaged and well-rested body.
What am I without a job? This is a question I have never faced. Starting at age ten or eleven I worked. I hustled for babysitting jobs, cleaning jobs, phone-answering, cafe work, restaurant work, security guard, math tutor, teacher. Once a teacher, I relished vacations in foreign countries by myself. Frolicking along the beaches and journaling aside cobblestone paths in exciting locations...with the ever-lurking curriculum of the upcoming year on my mind. I have not been at peace within my mind, my skin, my body in a long time....maybe ever. I have not learned to be still.
"What are you going to blog about today?" asked Daniel as he stacked up piles of wind-energy research on his desk and prepared to begin his thesis for the day.
"Um, well, I can't just keep writing about not doing anything....so, I don't really know," I replied.
But, alas, I can write about nothingness. Not in a negative sense...but in a "I am more than my job" kind of way. What is it within me that I can offer beyond my working self? Who is it that I sit with when I am alone and without tasks to plan? Why haven't I used any of this free time in the past few weeks to volunteer, to make connections in my community, to use my talents towards something completely outside of monetary gain?
Okay, I can finally admit that I am not in South America. I accept it. And yes, I gave up a year of work and salary and health insurance and now face a very real educational job scarcity due to our "grand plan"....that didn't work out. And although it was a well-intentioned plan to volunteer and travel in various Peruvian villages, there is a village here. Are there not people, children, animals, landscapes, culture, arts that need attention right here in Long Beach?
That is what I'm doing today. I'm going to find something that needs my attention. There are only so many walks, yoga, gym visits, books, gourmet meals (my most recent zuccini fritters with olive/chili jam, tortilla casserole and pinto beans...all from scratch) and scarves to knit in the world...and the wedding planning has long since been finished (3 weeks only to put that baby to bed in January)....and although there is an entire online bridal beast that encourages me to fixate on center pieces and the flower girl's basket and my choice in shoes...I refuse. I have the dress, the food, the place, the music, the officiant, and the man. Done and done.
As long as I don't fill my calendar so much that I avoid (yet again) time with myself in stillness to be mindful, grateful, and satisfied...then I can find a new niche for giving. I'll find the Machu Pichu of Long Beach.
****By the way, in honor of our "Lola's" (the Kampangpangan word for "grandma" and also my grandma's name...cool, huh?) - I issue a request to all of you who believe in the power of prayer, positive wishes, and good vibes/mojo/juju to send them out into the world for both of our Lola's. One is in the hospital and one took a nasty tumble.
We love our Lola's and there are few wedding images we've discussed more than these two smiling and holding hands after the ceremony. They raised our incredible mothers and we wish them incredible strength, recovery, and love.
